We Have a Winner!!

After much deliberation, my kitties and I have chosen a winner for the Bloggy Giveaways. I just want to say thank you to all the people who entered and I wish I could have given the prize to all of you. Thanks for the jokes!!!

The Wonk

Wine(o) of the Weak!

This week I decided to try a white wine. I used to think that I did not like chardonnays because I felt they were too rich and oakey. Then I tried the chard from Alice White and fell in love.




Its a little sweeter than most chards, which is why I think I like it. Its also from Australia, and it turns out I have a bit of a thing for Australian wines. And I totally discovered my love for Australian (and South African) wines when I lived in Amsterdam a few years (OK, its was 10 years. Sue me.) ago before it was hip. So there. I am not sure of the exact price, but I know its under $10. I think it runs about $8 a bottle. Click here if you want to read about its fancypants accolades, not just a recommendation from a dedicated wino.

Cheers!

The Wonk

Bloggy Giveaways!!!

Sorry, I am a little late in the game for this one but I am a little new to blogging. My Technical Advisor is baby-stepping me through this.
So I'm giving away a $30 Payless Shoe Source gift card to add to your cute spring/summer shoe collection, or for your kids with rapidly growing feet.

To enter this giveaway leave a comment on this post, preferably a really bad joke, then head on over to Bloggy Giveaways for more fun and giveaways. The winner will be chosen at random, meaning my cats Lola and Taco del Gato will be picking the name out for me much like they choose my March Madness picks. They're kinda like feline Ouija boards. Trust me on that. Keep in mind, Taco beat out a lot of humans in my work pool!! I will let the winner know Saturday afternoon. Good Luck!

The Wonk

Pic of the Day!!

Amy Wino, looking better than ever.


Pete Doherty. At least he has good taste in scarves!

You know, I am really not trying to pick on Amy Winehouse, or the Brits in general or anything, but according to a recent poll, Wino and Pete Doherty are the Number 1 and and Number 2 Heroine and Hero respectively for people under 25. Well, I think that they are fine choices. Just look at them! They just exude such positive energy! Prime examples of health and sobriety! I am sure every parent would be so proud to know that that's what their children are aspiring to be. The next generation of British kids are going to be sooooooo cool! Or dead. Not sure which yet.

But seriously folks, Pete does have rad taste in scarves. If you can be that screwed up, shirtless, and still sport some Burberry, your A++++ in my book. Oh, crap! Does that make me as crazy as those wacky Brits?? No, surely not! I am as sane as, ummmm, a totally sane person. Oops, gotta go. Nurse Ratchet says its time for my meds.

Creepiest Headline EVER!

I'll give you a hint. It involves nomads who might have small hands and possibly smell like cabbage.

Click here for the news story.

Pic of the Day!

Behold! Pete Burns!

So this guy is apparently very famous in the UK for several reasons. Partially for being in a band, Partially for his stint on Big Brother UK, and, hmmmm, what else? It seems like there is something I'm missing.... Oh yeah! He's mostly famous for being freakin' bloody bat-sh*t crazy! As you may have noticed, he likey-likey the plastic surgery just a bit too much. He also wears clothing that's made from the skin of endangered animals and brags about it on national TV. I'm totally serious. The fine UK Bobbies somehow picked up on this and secretly removed a coat from the Big Brother house and did DNA to confirm that it was in fact made of a species of endangered monkeys. Nice, well done. As if this is not attention whoring enough, a sex tape starring Ole Petey-boy(?) with his BF has recently, and "mysteriously" been "leaked" on to the interwebz. And I am soooooo going to try to track it down and watch it because I'm messed up like that. Actually, its more like scientific research (Right, Mom*? That counts doesn't it? I'm ready for my PhD now!). I just want to see how the, shall we say, mechanics of The Sex works with them. Does Petey still have a Mini-Petey? Do they do it in a heart shaped bed or a dungeon? Pitcher or Catcher? I am calling that he is versatile. So many questions.... Must get answers! I'll update after I have completed my thesis.

Peace out-
Dr. Wonk

*For alls y'alls that don't know, Momz is a kick-ass scientist. And should totally give me a PhD, for like, General Awesomeness, cuz I'm pretty sure that's like a totally real degree, yo!

My New Super Rad Kicks

These are the shoes my BF surprised my with as a gift the other night. He also bought himself the same ones, but in boy-version. Suh-weet!

Pic of the Day!

Here we have Jenna Jameson, ummmm, not looking like a duck?

Pic of the Day!

Pre-Sell Out. Cute Right?


Now. Blah.


Lily Allen, why must you turn into the typical Avril sell-out? Your music is so cool and fun and you claim to be resiliant against turning into a Paris-wannabe, but here you are dying your hair a color that can only be described as White Trash Blonde. Just be normal, keep cranking out the music and puh-lease try and stay normal and don't go all Amy Winehouse or BritBrit on our asses.

Wine(o) of the Weak!

So here we have it! This week I have chosen the 2006 Shiraz by Red Knot.



Being a Shiraz, this is a pretty heavy wine, but still quite delectable. Its from Australia, and gawd damn if the Aussies don't make some fine wine!

Click here if you want their fancypants "story" of the wine. Or don't. Its Wonk-approved. That should be all you need to know.

Cheers!

The Wonk

More New Features!!!

OK, I have to give credit where credit is due. I am a total nitwit when it comes to this, whadyacallit, "blogging" thing. I have two consultants to help me muddle through my utter nitwittery; my friend at work who is my Technical Advisor, and my BF who is my Think Tank Advisor. BF is the one who gave me the Wine of the Weak idea and he gave me another one a couple days ago. So as of now, I shall be posting what I feel is the Pic of the Day. This is based on my promise for celeb gossip and also my Technical Advisor's pledge to do a post every day for the month of April.

In honor of that, here ya go!



Good idea. Let Amy Winehouse hold your baby. Its not like she'll take shots while holding him or anything.

And Introducing....(drum roll, please)

I know that at the beginning of my blog I made lofty promises of pics of drunk celebrities, recipes, TV show reviews, etc, and I have failed you on almost all accounts. All I have done is go on and on and on about myself. BO-ring! Unless you count my "Kate and Allie" blog or my "American Idol" blog. Ok, now I feel better. To rectify this, I have decided to add a new segment to my blog called (wait for it...) the very cleverly tiltled: Wonk's Wine(o) of the Weak! This will be posted every Thursday so you have time to run out to get it and get your TGIF wind-down glass of wine on. I will be recommending decent wines that I like that will almost always be $10 or less. I live in the Pacific Northwest, which is rapidly becoming the new Napa of the wine world. I also just a couple blocks from John's Marketplace which is known for having the best and most expansive selections of beer and wine from all over the world in the Portland Area. And don't worry, I am not going to get all snooty and talk about the wine's legs and how it brings to mind summers in Rangun, yadda yadda yadda. Just that I like it.

And so here we have it! The innagural wine is the 2004 Syrah from Duck Pond Winery.

It usually sells for $10 a bottle. I like Syrahs and this is a really good one for not that much. Its very mellow and pretty light. So there you have it.

Cheers!

The Wonk


(See, I told you I wasn't going to get all snooty on you!)

Jimmy Kimmel Saves My Bank Account From Total Depletion!

I didn't even want to watch American Idol Gives tonight because I Can'tsanza me ANY of the contestants except for Carley who is probs getting kicked off tomorrow. But here I am, trying not to cry like a sissy to save face in front of my BF. And its his fault I am watching this emotionally manipulative Sally Struthers-esque dribble and its TOTALLY working on me. A fourteen year old HIV/AIDS positive and orphaned African girl who still does her homework? Annie Lennox sobbing? Katrina victims? Simon Cowell having a heart? What kind of evil Sally Struthers-AIDS-Victim-Hating person would that make me if I don't donate my entire life's savings plus, like, a kidney or two? Also, I really want to talk to Chackezie (sp?) because he has the coolest name ever. So as I am reaching for the phone (fingers crossed for the Chack-man!), Jimmy Kimmel totally serves Simon Cowell in what I shall now call "Nipple Roast 2008." It was awesome. Jimmy totally called Simon out on what every God-fearing citizen has ever thought but couldn't say to him about his wierdo nipples. They're almost as big as Bobby "Nipples McGee" Flay's. Almost. So it totally broke my guilt-tripped humanitarian mood and I still have an account balance that is not a blaring red color. Thank you, Jimmy Kimmel. Thank you.

OK- For realz, gots to get Oprah on your asses. It is a genuine reminder when those problems of the world are put in my face that when I am feeling stressed, down, or generally crappy about my life, that its really not that bad in the whole scheme of things. Not too shabby at all.

PS Sorry to the Boss Lady for the AI post. I know its banished from your life just like the Its Apostrophe is banished from mine. I just can't help myself.

An Open Letter to the Apostrophe in the Word "Its"

Dear Its Apostrophe,

I refuse to follow your stupid rules. Nothing personal, but I can't ever remember the stupid rule about possession vs contraction and therefore I banish you from my life. Spellcheck and that effing talking paperclip can suggest all they want, but you are dead to me. I am sorry, but seriously, go away or I will stomp your effing ass in the yard till I can't stompz youz no more. You and the know-it-all paperclip screw up too many innocent lives to put up with your existence. Again, not personal, purely professional. Buh-Bye.

Regards,

The Wonk

I Luvs me some Kate and Allie and Not Ashamed to Admit It!

The one good thing that came out of having the Zombie Death Flu is that I discovered that they play reruns of "Kate and Allie" on the WE Channel (Weeeeee!!  Television For Women!).  The WE Channel is awesome.  It also plays "Bridezillas" which is the best show ever.  Now that I have made this remarkable discovery about "Kate and Allie," I DVR it and watch it after work every day.  Just like I am doing right now.  And it is AWESOME!  I tend to latch on to certain sitcoms pretty intensely.  When "Friends" aired the final episode my best friend (who couldn't be there at the time because she was taking something called a "Final") called just to make sure I was OK.  Not just OK in the general sense, but OK in more of a in a suicide-watch way.  I can't even get into what the whole Brad/Jen break-up did to my psyche.  I was fielding calls for days from concerned friends and relatives who had shrinks on their speed dials just in case I had a mental collapse.  And let's not even start with "Golden Girls."  Holy crap, I love Betty White.

But I digress.  This is about "Kate and Allie."  I think my fondness for the show comes from one particular childhood incident.  This happened in San Francisco so I must have been 9 or younger.  Back then, I knew that when "Kate and Allie" ended it was my bedtime.  One particular day, I think there was a TV schedule change or Day Lights Savings and my parents didn't change the clocks or something because when I went to bed, I noticed it was just a tad too light.  But dutiful daughter that I was I went to bed, even though something felt wrong.  Maybe my parents' barely contained snickering was the trigger because after laying in bed totally awake and trying to piece all the clues together it finally dawned on me that a cruel trick had been played and I was the sucker.  I came stomping out of my room and confronted the perpetrators only to face two very unrepentant laughing fools.  I think I made them let me stay up extra last that night as penance.  And after all the mental trauma incurred that night, for some crazy reason, I still love me some frickin "Kate and Allie" enough to consume two episodes every day like it the best crack you can smoke from one of those shirtless dudes on COPS who always are wearing other peoples' pants. 

The Origins of The Wonky Weeze

My name is Eloise. I am not 6. I do not live at The Plaza. However, I can be a bit too much for people and then I get called weird. Some people might call it being "wonky." Some people meaning my BF. Don't get me wrong, I am not weird in an I-Will-Eat-Your-Babies-Bitch! sorta way. Its mostly that I have a wonky sense of humor that can make me seem wonky to others.  

I don't normally allow people to call me by any nicknames. My mom and my BF are the only ones who can get away with it. I won't even get into what my mom calls me. Don't worry--they are all nice! Just a bit embarrassing. I don't even notice when she calls me by her pet names, but when she calls me Eloise, boy, that's bad and I notice. Anyhoos, somehow my BF happened to notice that I am a bit more wonky than most and coined me The Wonky Weeze. So there you have it.  I am The Wonk, hear me roar!!!!  *very ferocious growling sounds* 

Case in Point

I received this email from my boss this afternoon that she sent last night:

"Ok Wonk - what do you know about Jayz [sp. Hah!] and Beyonce getting married?"

I done told you fools that its part of my job description to dish the celeb gossip. Obvs, you can tell from the tone of the email that she is very disappointed in me. And right she should be. (Can we say "damage control?") I actually knew about the impending nuptials last Wednesday (the wedding was Friday) but neglected to tell her because I honestly didn't think she cared that much. But I forgot about her luvs for The Rap, especially NYC originated. So I'll take the hit. My bad, I failed.

I Rule! Maybe.

Because I know you all are just dying, dying to know if the neighbors had in fact been properly schooled and did not mess with my shower this morning, I will tell you.  They did not.  I is a winner.  They is big losers.  

I shall now compose many, many new lengthly posts detailing the minutiae of quirks about my cats.  Because I know you love that so so so much.  Heehee!  But seriously.  I probably will.

List of Bizzaro Things My Kitten Will Eat

Proof.  She actually stole this piece of Totino's of my plate.  Notice there are even chili peppers on it.  

-Pizza.  With green peppers, sausage, and chili peppers.  She ate all the toppings.  Including the cheese and licked of the sauce and left the crust.

-Chinese food.  Especially the green peppers.  She even stole a chili pepper off my BF's plate.  We took that from her before she could eat it.

-Rice

-Cheese

-Deli Meats

-Seaweed

-Goldfish Crackers

-Pate

-Golf Course Grass

-Frosting

-Eggs, even raw

-Cupcakes

-Butter (she'll just lick it straight)

-Shrimp

-Clams

-Cheezy Poofs

-Cantaloupe

-Popcorn with butter and cayenne

-Chicarones

-Tulips

-Biscuits and Gravy

-Any Soup

-Holiday Candy

-Pine Needles

-Any dip we have ever eaten

-French Fries

-Peanut Butter

-Ranch Dressing

-Lasagna

-Anything pork related

-Salumi

-Our toes in the AM

-Only the most expensive cat food.  And its no wonder why.

My Cats Are Super Weird

Taco Del Gato and Lola, the Water Weirdos

I know I have been talking a bit too much about showers lately, but I have to explain how mega weird my cats are about the bathroom/shower. Every morning we have what we call "The Bathroom Circus." First of all, my cat Taco Del Gato, will only drink water from a faucet or a human drinking glass. Even though I put fresh water in the kitty bowl every day. When she hears a faucet or I put a glass on the coffee table, she literally comes running from wherever she is like a maniac. So every morning when I go into the bathroom, the cats come trotting in after me. They will bully their way in if they are late, no joke. Taco needs to get her faucet-water drink on and after a couple moments of careful consideration and self-analysis she jumps up on to the sink. Lola comes in and spazzes out on the towel rack, curtains, and windowsill for a few minutes, attacks Taco's tail, then patiently waits in the "hatching an egg" or "meatloaf" position until I get out. The second I exit the shower, Lola is in. Sometimes she goes in before I am done. And all she does is just sit in there. That's it. And she LUVS it. Why why why? She does this with my BF as well. We both have theories, his being much more rational. Mine is that she thinks its a chamber that will magically change her into human form and that she is concentrating on that *poof* like in Vice Versa. His theory is that she likes the humidity (assuming we get a hot shower). His theory is very boring and realistic, therefore mine is right. But the best part is when Taco, after drinking from the faucet for 10 minutes ( 5 minutes having being spent contemplating her existence in life or, like, just the faucet. I don't know which), jumps off the sink right after Lola gets in the shower and licks the water off the shower curtain. And there we have The Bathroom Circus, people. Welcome to my world. It's special.

I think I May Have Totally Won The Water Wars!!

Yippee and bow down MFers!! At exactly 45 minutes before I normally take my shower I heard the downstairs peep's shower on. I was encourage but not convinced I won. So I patiently waited (slept) until my time to see what would happen. And guess what? No other showers!!! No toilet flushing, no dish washing, not so much of a glass of water being poured! That's right, bend over biatches and take it! I owned you!
Ummmm, I hope. We'll see tomorrow.

OMG, I Officially Met New Dude!!

My mom came over tonight and insisted on poaching some bushes outside for "decoration" for a party she is having tonight.  I know.  She's kinda nutty like that.  So while we were pruning plants we happened upon The Dude and The Butt Boy and I was officially notified that he is a new neighbor.  Dammit.  They looked pretty guilty and that increases my suspicions that The Chick might be on her way out.  AHAH!  

They Might Just Be Plain Stupid

So again this morning, right smack at the time I have showered at every day for almost 3 years now, BOOM!, The Chick starts the shower.  Do they just not get it or is this some sadistic form of passive aggressiveness?  I know this all sounds petty, but the morning shower routine really sets the tone of the day. Bad shower = bad mood = bad day. Simple math. And the worst part is that I can't act out and be a jerk like them and take the hottest shower I can stand and leave it running when I am done because my BF deserves a hot shower in the morning too.  I cannot wait to see what shenanigans go on tomorrow.  

PS But I was a jerk today and I did flush the toilet.  Hehe.  I know, still petty.  But they need to learn whose time slot it is in the AM.  And I can play the passive aggressive game like no other!

I Hate My Stupid Weirdo Neighbors and Want to Blog About It

I could go on and on about the freaks that live below me.  And I think I will.  Let me explain the dynamics.  I live in an converted attic of a house in a a really cool neighborhood.  A neighborhood I have always wanted to live in, but it can be spendy.  And I got the place a while back and would like to move, but its so cheap here and I am too damn lazy and we're saving up for a house.  Anyhoos, because we all live in essentially the same house together (separate entrances), we share a lot of the same utilities.  Which brings us to the Water Wars. Basically these bastards eff with our showers all the time.  I take my shower in the morning at the same time every weekday, and somehow on random days, The Chick decides to shower at that exact time.  For like 45 minutes? Why, for crappity crap crap, why?  She can't be having a great shower either, but its not like she doesn't know when I get in there.  I was here first.  I have first dibs on hot water!!  Plus they'll flush their toilet right in the middle of our showers ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, you can't shut the lid and wait for like 5 freaking minutes?

List of Complaints:

They never check their mail (we also share a mailbox--and we'll get back to that).

They never take out or bring in the trash and recycling (yes, we share that too).

They like to move furniture in the middle of the night and bang crap around.  Every night.  OCD much?

They also do laundry (one thing we don't share) in the middle of the night--ALL night.  DING DING DING!!  Laundry's done!  Again, slight touch of OCD?

The Dude never works.  I have confirmed this because I was home sick basically all last week and he was always there.  He sometimes waiters at night, judging by his smock, but that's it.

I have never see either one of them walk their 2 year old black lab.  Don't get a dog to make you feel like a "real couple" that needs to be walked everyday if you're not going to do it.

I heard The Dude call the lab an asshole.  Wha...?  Seriously, who calls a dog an asshole?  Try training the poor little guy and not blaming him for being a lonely puppy and acting out.

The Dude's license plates have what he clearly thinks are his awesome initials (TNT) and year of birth. Douchey to the extreme.

I have to listen to them have sex.  And its not like hot, porn sex, just boring housewife sex.  If I have to know that much about your personal life, at least make it interesting and have like pacifiers and leather involved.  

On that note--back to the shared mail box.  I checked the mail (like I do everyday like a normal person, not like a practically unemployed person who calls their under exercised lab an asshole) and there was a flyer for the mailman carefully filled out by The Dude for Celebrity Nude Magazine.  I just do not have words for how inappropriate that is on many levels.  But after hearing the sexy-times, I can kinda get why he would need that extra umph in that area.

Which brings me to the whole point of why I am so worked up.  There is another New Dude that apparently moved in this past Sunday.  Butt Boy for the couple?  Because now they need some rent (re: sex)  help?  That's the speculation. But he is furthering the shower and parking sitch. For the past 2 days, essentially the moment my alarm goes off, the shower turns on downstairs.  Is this my new life?  Everyday with the Water Wars?  I will not back down and change my schedule for some random New Dude Butt Boy.  I will take the hottest showers and flush as much as possible!!!  HAH!